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    Infantile Behavior…


    2009 - 08.22

    Another interesting week draws to a close. Keeping busy with a plethora of things, checking up on friends, and receiving my first onslaught of negativity from an unexpected (well, expected… but not expected) source. Shocking? Slightly. Crushing? Not at all. I know who I am and what I believe, and this year has been educational about the definition of friendship. If not marching to someone’s drum or telling people what they want to hear makes me a bad man, then hooray for being rotten!

    But it’s an interesting world out there with plenty of views. And while a lot of the news is on the depressing side, there are some things that aren’t so dire and jaded.

    Take, for example, Jose Alvarenga of Paraguay who opened his infant son’s coffin this week to find that he wasn’t dead, as doctors had told him. While it’s good news for the new father, it doesn’t bode well for doctors and staff at the unnamed hospital in Asuncion. If you can’t tell dead from living, perhaps medicine isn’t the proper field for you.

    Then back to the United States, where in Florida sightings of what is described as a “baby Bigfoot” have been reported in the Baker County area. While it might be an orangutan, the mystery creature has an apparent sweet tooth. Among the witnesses was a bear hunter who lost a few jelly donuts too the furry caper. Subsequent attempts too lure the pint-sized furball out in the open with confectionery treats have failed.
    That’s all for now when it comes to abnormal childlike behavior. Bear with me as I struggle with graphics, barrel ahead toward autumn and Halloween, and blaze a few trails in the world, as well as my own life…

    Dead Comedy Lives Long in History…


    2008 - 11.17

    This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It’s a stiff! …Bereft of life, he rests in peace! …He’s kicked the bucket, he’s shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

    While Monty Python became famous for these memorable lines from their “Dead Parrot Sketch”, the joke itself predates the British comedy routine… by nearly 1,600 years!

    A recently republished collection of some of the world’s oldest jokes, Philogelos: The Laugh Addict, contains an ancient Greek witticism written in 4 AD about a man returning a recently-purchased dead slave to his seller. “By the gods, when he was with me, he never did any such thing!” replies the seller.

    Fortunately for John Cleese and the rest of his comedic comrades, there were no copyright infringements made on the joke since it was written without prior knowledge of the Greek farce. Besides, the author is long since dead… and unavailable for refund, as well.

    If you’ve never watched the Monty Python sketch, or care to revisit it, here’s a clip from a live performance in 1976:


    You can also get your own plush “sleeping” parrot in remembrance of the classic British comedy skit.

    Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah,…


    2008 - 10.17

    Disco may be dead, but it just might save your life. Don’t believe me? Just ask a doctor.

    A study conducted at the University of Illinois College of Medicine experimented with ways to teach people the proper 100 compressions per minute for performing CPR. Their conclusion? Listening to “Stayin’ Alive” by the Bee Gees helped 15 doctors keep the proper rhythm.

    The song contains 103 beats per minute, which very closely mirrors the required rate. After five weeks practicing CPR while listening to the song, participants performed better at keeping the proper pace.

    They also remarked on the irony and fittingness of the song.

    “The theme ‘Stayin’ Alive’ is very appropriate for the situation,” said Dr. David Matlock who headed the small study. “Everybody’s heard it at some point in their life. People know the song and can keep it in their head.”

    So the next time you hear “…somebody help me; somebody help me, yeah“, just think back to that song that won’t get out of your head…

    And yes. You might just say the DJ saved your life.

    Hold the Cadavers, Please…


    2008 - 10.16

    Pappu Sweet Center and Catering in Wolverhampton, UK, was shut down and fined this week. Police were called back in August to a report of a sudden death and couldn’t believe their eyes. Not only were the conditions in the kitchen unfit for food preparation, but the body of a dead man was reclining nearby on a sofa.

    One cook was chain smoking and spitting on the floor repeatedly. Fly-laden chicken was defrosting in an adjoining room, oozing blood and fluids onto the floor. A dead rat was found beneath a pot and rodent droppings were discovered in many areas.

    Sounds appetizing, right?

    After conducting a post mortem, the dead man was found to have died of natural causes, but environmental health officers closed down the business, owned by Jaswinder Singh.

    City council officer Nick Edwards is grateful and hopes to send a message to anyone preparing food in unsanitary conditions.

    “We are pleased that the council’s actions,” he said, “have resulted in the courts banning this individual from ever running a food business again.”

    The Forgotten Civil War Tragedy…


    2008 - 10.15

    Without a doubt, Pennsylvania is known for Civil War casualties and tragedy. The 1860s saw many deaths of both Union and Confederate troops. Ghosts of dead soldiers are a common theme at war-related locales, yet there may be some undiscovered spirits from one of Pennsylvania’s great Civil War tragedies waiting to be discovered. I do not speak of Gettysburg. I am referring to Shohola.

    For those unfamiliar with the town, Shohola is a small village seated along the Delaware River along the Pennsylvania/New York border some 60 miles northwest of New York City. As its name (a Lenni Lanape Native American word meaning “place of peace”) implies, it is a quiet, unassuming place. Only a metal sign in town hints at the great tragedy which occurred approximately a mile west of downtown resulting in the deaths of dozens of soldiers from both sides of the battle.

    It happened on July 15, 1864. A train loaded with over 800 Confederate prisoners bound for the Elmira Prison departed Point Lookout, Maryland. 128 Union soldiers were scattered throughout the train, guarding the prisoners-of-war. Engine 171 fell behind schedule after a delay hunting down a few escaped Confederates and pulled into Port Jervis nearly four hours late.

    This same afternoon, Engine 237 pulled down the Erie Railroad tracks laden with coal. The engineer and his 50 coal cars stopped at Lackawaxen to verify that the track ahead was clear. He asked the telegraph operator Douglas “Duff” Kent the status of the track. Though Kent had been warned that another special train was due, the tardiness of the locomotive coupled with Kent’s known abuse of alcohol jumbled up messages. Engine 237 left Lackawaxen Station and rumbled through Shohola at 2:45 PM.

    Just west of town, the Erie track follows a blind furve through the earth known as King and Fuller’s Cut. It was here that the two locomotives met head on. There was only enough time for the engineer of the 237 to jump from the cab before collision. Both the engineer and fireman of the 171 were killed instantly when the wood from the tender leapt into the engine, crushing them to death. The fireman of the 237 met a similar fate, though the crushing logs did not kill him outright; he was pinned against the boiler where he slowly scalded to death, warning rescuers not to come close for fear the locomotive would explode. The first few passenger cars of the train loaded with soldiers telescoped into each other, each compressed to a depth of several feet. countless others were tossed like matchsticks and showered with wood splinters and shards of glass. The corpse of one Union guard sat perched on the reared-up tender still clutching his gun.

    Officially, 17 Union soldiers died at the wreck or over the following week from their injuries. An estimated 80+ Confederate soldiers died in the wreck and a lucky five prisoners took the opportunity to flee, never to be found. The dead Confederates were buried in a 75-foot trench not far from the wreck while the Union dead were given proper burials. An investigation found the telegraph operator to blame. He was said to have remained ambivalent toward the accident after hearing the news in his drunken stooper and even attended a dance that very night. The angered townspeople sough vengance against him, but he fled for his life and was never seen or heard from again.

    It took nearly 50 years for the Confederate victims to receive a proper burial. Between 60 and 72 bodies were disinterred from the mass grave and buried in Woodlawn National Cemetery in Elmira on June 11, 1911. No one knows for sure if all the victims were accounted for.

    A new set of tracks exist today, winding through a stone-lined pass at the accident site along the Delaware River. Citizens of Shohola lay flowers at the wreck site each year in memory of the accident. Often in cases of such disastrous accidents, at least a few souls linger on at the site in quiet memory. If there were ever a place ripe for hauntings, it would be these woods outside of Shohola where nearly a hundred lives were lost almost 150 years ago.

    With Chips on the Side…


    2008 - 10.09

    Something fishy is happening along the Nepal-India border. Those unwise enough to bathe in the waters of the Great Kali may find it to be their final cleansing. Teenagers have gone missing and a few spectators have watched helplessly as people are pulled into the river.

    By what, you ask? Killer catfish.

    It may sound like the plot of a low-budget science fiction movie, but giant catfish (called Goonch, or more specifically Bagarius yarelli) are killing people. And just like any good movie script, the locals have a theory to accompany this taste for human blood and flesh.

    The river is a popular place for funeral pyres. They conclude that the partially burnt corpses sink into the river bottom where catfish feed. Over the years, these Goonch have munched away on the dead bodies and found that although we are often menacing, we are also mighty tasty morsels. With the newfound pallet, the fish have taken to snagging live humans to feed their hungers.

    Don’t be fooled by visions of deep-fried catfish on plates. These monsters have been hooked at upwards of six feet long and weighing in at 161 pounds. Biologist Jeremy Wade recently launched an investigation of the Goonch catfish and will report his findings on a television documentary. Flesh Eating River Monsters is slated to air on UK’s Channel 5 on October 23.

    They Really Bought the Farm…


    2008 - 09.23

    Cows in Tennessee are feeling a sense of unease.

    Union County residents along Hickory Valley Road noticed vultures circling a pasture near their property last week. Upon closer inspection, the bodies of eleven cows were found scattered across the property belonging to E. G. McCoy of Knoxville. Assuming the animals had been shot, police were notified. The Tennessee Department of Agriculture disagreed with the verdict.

    According to their workers, and those at the University of Tennessee’s Animal Clinic, there were no signs of bullet wounds. In fact, no cause of death could immediately be determined. Sergeant Mike Butcher (aptly named) of the Sheriff’s Department said that biopsies of the bodies were taken Thursday and investigators are awaiting the results.

    “Nobody’s seen anything like it,” Butcher stated. “It’s a first for us.”

    Four other cows survived. No evidence of foul (or bovine) play could be found. A few local residents claimed to witness UFOs the same night, but authorities aren’t ruling anything out at this time.

    Of course, if you want to witness your own cow abduction by an alien, you may not have to wait for extraterrestrial life forms. Designer Lasse Klein is working toward production of an Alien Abduction Lamp, complete with human and cow for teleportation.

    Just a Sorcerer Loser…


    2008 - 09.17

    A football match in the town of Butembo in Democratic Republic of Congo turned deadly last week. Not from overzealous fans, but hexing.

    Nyuki was losing against the local team, Socozaki. In an effort to sway the odds in their favor, Nyuki’s goalie performed a little ritual in an effort to curse the opposition. A brawl started between players, resulting in an all-out riot.

    Eleven people were killed. Several others were seriously injured.

    Africans take witchcraft as seriously as their football. Throughout the summer, dozens of people have been killed in western Africa for practicing black magic.

    And to think fans of American football claim to be rowdy…

    The Other Kind of ‘Down Under’…


    2008 - 08.25

    Last week in England, a man returned from the dead… well, sort of.

    Michael O’Neill decided a change of scenery might do him a world of good. He departed on June 2nd, unannounced, from his Middlesborough residence on a vacation to Australia and didn’t bother to tell anyone about it. With his last-minute trip, notifying neighbors and friends slipped his mind.

    Neighbors became restless with worry and the police were called when no signs of life came from Mr. O’Neill’s home. Upon breaking in, they found the place deserted. Friends were shocked and saddened to see in the newspaper the reports of the death of Michael O’Neill, leaving behind two brothers: Terry and Kevin.

    In an interesting twist, the obituary was for another man, nearly the same age, in his town, who also had brothers with the same names as his own.

    O’Neill returned home on August 11th to find his door broken in. As he headed around town, friends were approaching him, filled with shock and relief. One neighbor did receive a postcard from abroad but word hadn’t spread fast enough. Yet some people still mistake him for a ghost.

    “They can’t believe it’s me and I’m still alive,” O’Neill told The Telegraph. “I’m a nervous wreck because everywhere I go people keep grabbing me!”

    Deconstructing Dead Toons…


    2008 - 08.21

    South Korean artist Hyungkoo Lee’s exhibit, Animatus, is currently in Basel, Switzerland at the natural history museum. An odd place for an art exhibit, right?

    Well, not for skeletons.

    The resin pieces were meticulously crafted using techniques used by palaeontologists to approximate the skeletal structure of creatures. Mr. Lee just happened to have the ingenious idea of turning it on our favorite cartoon critters.

    Wile E. Coyote, Road Runner, Donald Duck, Elmer Fudd, Bugs Bunny, and several others.

    The morbid creations have caused quite a stir and many laughs. The exhibition runs through August 31st.